I would love to do it, but I better don’t

I have a friend who is a high-performing artist. He likes when his calendar is full. He feels uncomfortable when he has time for himself.

Being busy means to him that he follows the tasks received from others, he accomplishes several duties because he has to. Having time for himself means to him that he could do anything he would love to. But as his main standard is harmony, he forbears conflicts. If he follows his calendar full of projects and tasks, everyone around him has to accept it as a fact beyond his range. If he spends his time doing what he really wants, others might dislike it, he could look selfish, his behavior or acts could have negative connotations, etc. For instance if he wants to go cycling for three days alone, his partner could think that he is bored of their relationship, that this is the first sign of a future break up, and so on.

What does he do in his spare time? He keeps on responding to his environment’s expectations. I am exaggerating, but not so much.

Why does he crowd his calendar? This is the easiest way to keep up harmony as he doesn’t even have time to think about what he really wants. Or, he presents his desires and thinks about them as tasks put in the calendar, so no one suspects. Unfortunately, by thinking about these too as tasks, they will soon become tasks and the sense of freedom and joy will be replaced by the sense of duty and relief.

When I really want something, I have a double feeling.

1. Fascination
2. Scare

I was fascinated and scared before my very first canoeing. I imagined the sense of freedom and calmness floating on water gives, and the adventure of exploring places on a lake or river that are hard to reach on foot. But I was scared too as I knew that I will step out of my comfort zone. What if I won’t be strong enough for canoeing? What if I cannot rule my canoe and I end up in the water? What if I will not enjoy it as much as I imagine? (and tens of other similar „what if…” questions circulated in my head).

Scare was the sign that soon I will get to know something new about myself.

I invited my friend to do only one thing in the next week that really excites him. In his case scare goes hand in hand with the idea of doing something for his own pleasure, meaning that he is scared of the consequences of doing what he really wants. What do you think, did he do that one thing that fascinates and scares him at the same time? Would you?

Here is my guide how to perish the idea of pleasure.

Think of one thing that fascinates you and scares you at the same time.

Think of an activity you really wanted to try out for long, but never did.

Make sure that the idea of doing it fills you with energy.

Will you be proud of yourself, satisfied, motivated, energizes, fulfilled, glad?

How does this activity make you feel? (powerful, brave, cool, alive, …)

Close your eyes and let this feeling run through your body.

Can you recall the first time when you wanted to try it out?

How would you like to be seen by your closest friends while doing it?

How would you feel after doing it?

Now rest for a minute.

Then slowly start to destroy this image.

Invent something why you cannot do it.

Think of at least 5 reasons why doing it is not a good idea.

Explain in detail why are these reasons accurate and inevitable.

What lies behind these reasons? What is their emotional background?

Think of the bad consequences it could have and most probably will.

Think of some tasks you could accomplish instead that would definitely make you feel more useful.

How do you feel now?

Now rest for a minute.

You might see how do fascination and scare interfere, and you have the absolute right to give more space to either of them. If your scare is bigger than the appeal of fascination, you’ll skip the opportunity of getting to know something new about yourself.

Can you recall moments in the past month when you held yourself back from doing what really fascinated you by finding excuses or „reasons” why it wasn’t such a good idea?

love, d.