First, I will tell you a common situation.
You meet a friend, a family member, your cousin, your colleague.
You share with them a problem, a dilemma, an idea, a thought that currently holds your attention.
For instance, you are planning to change your job, break up with your partner, buy a house, organize a dinner, or enroll in a new project.
Your friend, family member, cousin, or colleague instantly replies with advice, telling you if you should or shouldn’t do it, how you should do it, what you should take into consideration, how would he/she do it in your case, etc.
You start to give more information hoping that they can understand more explicitly the problem, idea, thought that you wish to share, as their advice given doesn’t necessarily lead you forward.
So, here comes another piece of advice from your friend, family member, cousin, or colleague…
Sounds familiar?
What’s the problem with advice?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of advice is the following
an opinion or a suggestion about what somebody should do in a particular situation.
What is usually the reason why we share our problems, ideas, thoughts with someone? If we do it in order to be told what to do, giving advice is the best thing the listener could do. If we ask for advice, it is nice receiving advice, obviously. But most often we do not need advice as we usually know what we should do if our problems, ideas and thoughts are clear enough for us. Usually we do not seek advice.
If we know what we want, no one knows better than us what we should do in order to achieve it.
So, the reason behind sharing is the desire to be listened to. Could it be simpler and more human than that?
Listening does magic.
- Who is listening?
The way you express yourself depends on the person who listens to you. What you say might differ from one listener to the other, and that’s OK. You know by instinct what perspective and detail to choose in order to make yourself understood by the person who is listening. And additionally, you know that everyone’s reactions and resonations differ, so when you express yourself you put emphasis on those things that are the ‘specialty’ of that person.
By sharing your subject with several people and revealing it from various perspectives, you get a wider picture of its main characteristics. Share, and you’ll get to know your thing better.
Although parents in many cases represent the most extreme samples of the ‘monkey mind’ (the negative and limiting thoughts that try to keep you safe, inside your comfort zone in order to survive), sometimes we decide to share with them our more delicate situations as well, because by facing the monkey mind head-on we face our biggest fears. If we pass this ‘test’ and our fears do not overcome us, we will be 100% confident about what we want and what has to be done.
- From the inside out
Talking about a problem, idea, thought, desire is the next step towards going for it. By saying things out loud and actually hearing yourself brings a lot of clarity in. You might be familiar with Michael Neill’s, an internationally renowned success coach’s lamppost metaphor
if you tell your hopes, dreams, and problems to a lamppost each week, the simple act of unburdening yourself and leaving your mind free and clear will lead to more inspired ideas and a better life
You might have seen extroverts talking alone while working on some more difficult tasks. The goal is the same in both cases: through listening to your own thoughts you can get a better understanding of what exactly you are talking about.
- The outfit matters
When you verbalize it, you carefully choose your words and your intonation, so you smartly dress your thoughts up. Language has power and so does your tone of voice. If you pay attention to how you talk about your situation, you will get much closer to the truth beneath your thoughts. If you are aware of your use of language and you have analytical skills and potential too, you will most probably figure out if your purpose, confidence, drive, will, belief, passion or enthusiasm are enough for acting/doing or not.
Your listener can help you.
- by revealing the way you think about your problem through repeating the most representative words and phrases you used
- by mirroring what you say, meaning that in order to be sure that the listener understood what he/she has been told, they ask back what you just said by using your language, your phrases, your words
- by keeping full silence and not saying a word is a tool that gives space for you, the speaker, to uncover the truths and have insights
Advice is a cut-off.
If you give advice, you pretend that you understood the problem presented entirely and you have a better knowledge of how to solve it than the person struggling with it. By doing this you will never help your friend/ family member/ cousin or colleague move forward, but you will most probably make him/her nervous, disappointed, confused, irritant and distant.
Trust your partner that he/she knows exactly what has to be done but now needs support in knowing more about what he/she wants to do. The most powerful thing you can do in order to become a great support in such cases is deep silence and active listening.
This is what a good coach does and this is why coaching does not include giving advice to people not even upon request. A coach is not an advisor. Coaching relies on the power, strength and knowledge that people own, and on the belief that they do not need to be told how to make their dream come true. People need support in dreaming of the impossible.
love, d.
dorialbert.com 